An apology

I always had my suspicions that Sam (name changed conveniently, till he decides to come out) was gay. Maybe it was the way he carried himself. But I hated making assumptions about people; maybe he’s just naturally feminine, I thought. But then on the day of pride, he spilled the beans. He was expecting a shock from my side or seclusion, and was surprised when I calmly said that I had my doubts and asked him not to worry, for it’s natural.

When in first year, I lay comfortably on Milton’s lap while conversing at our cigarette spot, you said to the others, “Not much time’s left before these two are gonna be a couple”, and I angrily shouted, “What the heck?”, disgusted at your narrow-mindedness. I wish I had known that you had a thing for him and it was only jealousy that made you say that stupid statement. You love frank, intelligent guys.

When I said, “Hi Sexy..” to Anuj just to irritate him, I thought it was obvious that I was only mocking. When you asked me, “Do you like him?”, it was with contempt that I explained to you, “No, in fact I don’t find him attractive at all”. Little did I know that you were attracted to his adolescent-like physique and that you were worried I might hit on him before you do. You like them baby-faced lads.

When Shubham told me that my lipstick looked filthy, you started mocking me and him, calling us wife and husband. I whacked you and hurled abuses at you for I hated judgemental pricks who make fun of relationships or friendship. If only I had known that it was your resentment of the ease with which I could get a boyfriend, someone who would stare at my lipstick and comment on it; for it’s difficult for you to find a partner.. to have a guy who was attracted to guys and reciprocated your feelings.

When I started going for walks with Soham, and you started fighting with him for no reason, I wish I had understood your envy of having a guy walk with you. You misunderstood my friendship, but I should have known that you had deeper worries of finding love which was why you suspected any guy who was around me.

I was open enough to understand his sexual orientation. But I regret that I was not open enough for his feelings.

Sam, I owe you an apology. Had I known that you had such feelings inside, I swear I would have been kinder. Don’t get me wrong, for I would have still abused your ancestors or kicked you in the ass, for the narrow-mindedness for sure. But I know I would have been kinder. Instead of classifying you as an idiot who is prejudiced, I would have tried to make you understand my actions. And I would certainly have tried to understand you better. Had I known that your reactions were due to your envy and hopelessness, I’d have imparted you more hope. I would have played the wingwoman for you. You might have noticed my feeble attempts to rectify myself when I wrote that love letter for you, risking my neck. I know it’s nothing, but I wanted to do whatever possible for you to hold on to the hope. You will find someone. And that someone will love you back too. You will certainly have many more heartbreaks, but you will find your heaven too, trust me. I also want you to know that you are perfect if alone too; stop being needy. You are all that you want.

Next time you have a crush on any of my male friends, just tell me okay? I will set you up and not get in the way (you know our tastes in men are poles apart, so that’s an unlikely situation: us hitting on the same guy). I will still kick your ass if you judge anyone or say you like a boy who uses you for his selfish needs. More power to you, and much love,

Raina. (If you get married some day, you will make me a bridesmaid along with Diksha and Malucha).